Sunday, September 7, 2008

Saint Patrick my Ass

It only comes once a year. Thank God. What I’m thinking of is of course Saint Patrick’s Day perhaps humanity’s biggest screw-up. I would hope everybody sees the reasoning in this extreme generalization. But in case you don’t here’s a list of everything foul about this incredibly pointless holiday.

First, a brief History of Saint Patrick. The holiday was originally celebrated in Ireland to commemorate St. Patrick’s life. Saint Patrick was captured by Irish Raiders and was guided by visions and the voice of God, or so the story goes the real truth is probably that he was a rich priest who bribed himself out of captivity and then longing for immortality wrote about the incident saying that God talked to him. Either that or he was suffering from schizophrenia (which was very common during that time period) that had been influenced by his life in religion. Bam instant sainthood. It is understandable However that the Irish would celebrate his life, Patrick put it God had talked to him personally telling him what he should do. The Irish at that time couldn’t have known that this was a form of schizophrenia so I don’t really blame them for that; they simply thought he was hero for Ireland. However…

The holiday has become utterly pointless. There might have been some point to it at its conception but what is the reason now, nobody knows the story behind this holiday, even if they did they should have figured out by now that Patrick’s writing was either a product of his thirst for immortality or a product of his schizophrenia; either way that doesn’t explain why that doesn’t explain why people especially Americans (who the whole affair had no effect on) MOREOVER THE UNITED STATES WASN’T EVEN IN EXISTENCE AT THAT TIME!!! So why is it such a big deal?

It’s annoying. The point of the holiday now seems to be giving people an excuse to inflict bodily harm on those who don’t conform to their standards of wearing green. Commie Bastards. That’s the only one way to describe these people.
This is a true story that took place on March seventeenth 2008. I had just stepped off the bus and was standing pleasantly with two of my friends. When I hear a voice yell.
“Clero’s (Not my actual name obviously) not wearing green, lets pinch him!” yells S (again not his real name obviously) so S proceeds to pinch me several times so I turn around, kick his shin (lame I know), slug him in the gut (again, lame) but now he’s confused and the breath is knocked out of him so I choke slam him into one of the steel pillars supporting the portico then I simply walked away and continued my conversation about Super Smash Bros. Brawl. This is the funny part, S screams at me for “Attacking him for no reason” you have got to be kidding me.
When I point out that my actions were in self defense he just says that he’s allowed to because I didn’t wear green. What the hell? It’s still assault you dumbass! This happened several times that day with the same result.

So a holiday celebrated to remember an Irish hero come to America and is transformed into an excuse to inflict bodily harm on people. It’s not just pinching either people have distorted the traditional American code of St. Patrick’s day conduct, no the original atrocities of the holiday have ballooned into punching, kicking, embedding graphite under one’s epidermis, etc, etc.

As you can see this holiday has become too much so join me in boycotting it in protest. Don’t wear green. If someone pinches you, just tell a teacher or if you’re not in school report sexual harassment to your employer. Problem solved.

Does this Post Seem Outdated to you? If your answer is no then you should probably get pills for that. However to those of you who said "Why the fuck is he writing a rant about about Saint Patrick in the middle of September" I actually wrote it on March 31st and I have just moved it from my crappy forumotion site over to blogspot.

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